Food Diary
So I have decided once again to keep a food diary so that I can keep a hard copy of what I have stupidly put in my body. I started writing it last night and for the first time in a very long time my calorie consumption was only 1,459 calories which exceeded the requirements for my crash diet, the requirements required me to consume only 1000, I'm not going to let it get me down even know all I wanted to do was get rid of everything in my system, but i haven't purged in about 4 months and as it stands it's my longest record and I honestly don't want to ruin that. my teeth are also in terrible condition because of purging, they are beyond sensitive, and I don't want them to get any worse.

As it stands I have only eaten 882.5 calories today and that's with dinner already counted even know I haven't eaten it yet. I feel like today is a good day. I had an appointment with my therapist and even know I probably shouldn't have mentioned it I told him I was on a crash diet to lose 15 pounds in two weeks (More than likely impossible) but I'm going to try anyway. He told me to be careful as he actually cannot tell me not to do it with me having my own free will and such things like that.

We also talked a lot about the fact that I haven't slept at all in the last week and a half he of course blamed this on the amount of coffee intake that I am known for and also because I tend to do most of my blogging at night so the motivation to keep my brain awake isn't helping matters.

I'm excited and hope that everyday can be like this, if not better, i really don't want to bring in another birthday with the weight I am. i want to be the girl that can sea crop tops in summer and lovely dresses on nights out and it stands I am not that girl, I am no where near that girl, I'm standing somewhere in the background to her massive group of admirers.

I hope you are all doing well and are feeling as great as me today. Stay beautiful.

A x

Why Have I gone and created a new blog?
I'm asking myself the same question to be honest with you. It just seems that I have a lot more I need to get out and I feel like I need more support than I may be receiving. My Tumblr is really just become out of habit now. I mean I love it and I use it everyday but, It's just me... if that makes any sense?

I'm not sure actually what I'm looking to accomplish with this. I think it's just to fit in and have people understand what I'm going through and to feel like I'm not bothering them or something. I'm not to sure, this is awkward. I normally always have something like this planned out and I know what I want to say and how to say... but I'm just trying to be real and give someone, Anyone, an insight into my feelings and my emotions.. or at least let me think I am.

Bluntly? I just want friends and people that care and understand... that's it. It sounds really simple but it's by far one of the hardest things to find in the world. People have a tendency to pretend, some just to get information to talk about with others, and others well they don't want to think that if I was to take a long leap off a short cliff that they didn't at least ask if I was ok.

At the moment I have a very abstract way of looking at the human life form, I kind of feel alien to it myself, I don't understand many of them, they could say the same thing, but they have a heck of a great poker face. I'm sick of wasting mine and other peoples time with a disorder that, I am now to "Fat" to have, because most of the people that know, know that my time to pull myself out of this hole has yet to come into sight with me.

People get bored and tired and distracted. They get on with their own lives, which is totally fine, but just don't want to feel like they are taking an interest because they have to any more. I want someone who's going to be there and help me up when I fall and can't stand again. I may be asking a lot but at the minute I'm weak and tired and fed up with everything that I have done to myself and others for the matter.

I just don't want to be left behind any more.

A x


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